As I reflect…
What masks have you been wearing this year? 2018 has been a hard year for me personally. Challenging doesn’t even begin to describe it. On the eve of my Saturn return and some major changes in my life, I have begun to question so much. What no longer feels good to me and my spirit? Who no longer resonates with me even though we shared so much or began this journey together? Am I participating out of love and enthusiasm or out of pride and obligation? Has comparison suffocated the joy in my heart? Has compassion fatigue overwhelmed my sense of empathy?
All of these thoughts have been running through my head this year. Anger, guilt, and resentment have been present as well. The apathy of the Four of Cups has lingered in my aura all year long. Old demons from my past, the ghosts of who I once was, have been whispering to me with a twisted sense of nostalgia and the sadness of knowing that things will never be the same. As I grow and change so too does the world around me. Nothing stands still. What is there left for me to hold on to?
I have been silent for a few months, retreating into hermitage and battling back and forth with depression. My soul, my spirit, has needed rest in order to come back to my why. What is my reason, my soul’s purpose in this work? Love and light isn’t always the answer my friends. Some deep shadow work has called to me so that I can see myself for who I am and not who the world wants me to be. How can I find more peace within?
On the eve of a new year, a fresh start, a new beginning, my desire is to focus on my why. What is my purpose behind every step I take? What is most important to me? How can I stay authentically true to myself?
Here is my soul’s response to me when I ask her why it is that I do what I do.
For Freedom from Depression
For the Knowledge that You can Overcome Anything
Because I've been lost and alone too…
Because I've been through hardship - trauma, abuse, and addiction…
Because I want to help others help themselves in order to free their spirits, just like how Spirit helped me to find the courage to free my own.
Because I am called to help others hear the voice of Spirit and that of their own souls.
I choose to do this work because of the calling in my own soul that wants to let others know that they don't have to stay stuck, or be a victim, or continue to feel marginalized, alone, and out of touch.
I do this to let others know that prayer works and intuition is real. Magick is real. Spirit, God, the Universe, the angels, your spirit guides, your soul, your higher self all hear you - even when it seems like no one is listening. Even when it feels like your outcry is futile.
Do not give in or hold on to the darkness my loves. Do not let your light go out, but let it shine through you - even if it has yet to fully reach your eyes.
I do this to let you know that you are loved. To hold the same sacred space that was held for me when I couldn’t hold it for myself.
I'm not a psychologist or a doctor. Just an intuitive woman who has been through some shit that has a love of spirituality, tarot, and mediumship. These are the channels I have found to impart love and healing upon the world. I have always been called to do it from my soul and this is how Spirit chose it to manifest.
Don't regret your past or your darkness. They are gifts. Learn from them. Grow from them. Stay humble and don't forget who you were and how these experiences are molding you into the person you’re becoming. Just know you don't have to continue to be that person anymore - lost, alone, and struggling in the dark. You are not that person any longer although they will forever be a part of you.
Grieve for them and their losses and move on. Grieve the remnants of yourself that have been left out on the streets, buried underneath yourself or someone else. Suffocated by guilt from past actions. Grieve what you feel has been stolen from you through yourself or other means. Ask for those parts of yourself to find peace and healing.
If it weren't for my past losses and grief, I wouldn't be the resilient and loving woman I am today. I wouldn't be doing this work. It probably wouldn't even be on my radar. I wouldn't be able to go to the deep dark trenches with my clients. I wouldn't know how to hold that space for them. I honor and give thanks to my former self. I love her and she loves me too. She's happy we made it out alive, to be here, to share the gifts of Spirit and unconditional love.
Now ask yourself my loves, what is your why?